He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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