I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
