I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
