i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
