My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
