I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize