he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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