Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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