her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize