that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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