My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize