Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish you could order shots online.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
