its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize