Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
