You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
