Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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