don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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