Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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