Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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