The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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