i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
