The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I got inside last night via doggy door
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
