i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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