Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize