K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
