he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
