Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
