***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Life is so much better after having sex.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize