She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
