Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he thought i was a dude.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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