I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
