don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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