Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
