And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
