He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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