My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
