You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
