I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
