Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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