We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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