Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
