I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
