I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
