one two three fourrrrnication!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
