There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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