you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
