another moral hangover. fuck.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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