Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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