You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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