my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
