remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
