i think my mom watched the whole time
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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