Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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