why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Small penises have feelings too.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize