I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
